“Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.” (Proverbs 9:10; USCCB)
I need to learn to fear the Lord. The great patriarchs of the Old Testament all trembled in fear at the Lord’s Presence in the form of a cloud and fire. Christ’s apostles threw themselves to the floor when they beheld His true glory during His transfiguration. Many great saints speak of their own nothingness and sinfulness, in contrast with God’s perfection and beauty. Yet, I hold none of this fear in my own soul and barely feel remorse for my sins. Many times I end the day without really feeling that I have done anything wrong and have to force myself to examine my conscience and only then I realize my bad habits and many faults. Even then, I need God’s help to open my eyes and reveal to me the many hidden sins and vices I carry.
How can I ever appreciate and love the sacrifice of Christ if I do not know what He has saved me from?
How can I weep for gratitude at the fact my soul has been salvaged from eternal flames without believing deeply that I have deserved to be there from the moment I first sinned?
How can I kiss Christ’s feet like Magdalene did or cling to His cross if I do not fear the exacting judgement of God–of how every fault and failure desrves punishment?
My good and loving God, You are so patient with me. You love me when I am unlovable, when I am selfish. How much do I despise and feel disgusted at the actions of others when they offend or insult me? Even when others behave unintentionally annoying, I am repulsed and don’t want to help them but rather want to view myself as better than them. Yet, You constantly behold my sins and my slowness to obey–my sluggishness in prayer, my impatience with my children, my distrust in Your protection, my harshness towards others, my pridefulness, and so many more displeasing thoughts, decisions, and habits that I have. You see all these things within me and yet You let me live and encourage me to grow by giving me consolations, time, and advice through others. Forgive me for failing You so much and so often. I ask You fervently, through the merits of Christ and the intercessions of Blessed Mary, that You may give me an unforgettable fear of Your Divine and perfect judgement. Let me realize, as much as I am able to handle, how much I deserve to burn in hell for offending You, and if I am not prepared for such a fear, then I ask that You strengthen me that I may bear that terrifying truth.
Yes, I am afraid to pray for such a fear, but I see that this fear is what led so many good souls to grow in perfection and allowed them to endure joyfully the many sufferings You sent their way. This fear is what led them to forget themselves, to love others fervently, and to seek all opportunities to serve You and repay You for their many offenses. This fear led them to ignore insults, to proclaim You without regard of what may happen to them or how they may suffer as a result. I want to serve you with the same pure love as they did, but I cannot do so if I continue to treat myself so delicately and excuse every sin I commit. I would be insane to ask for such a thing if it weren’t for the sacrifice of my Lord Jesus Christ, which keeps me from despair, and I am even more encouraged knowing that You are eager to love and console those who fear You:
“He takes no delight in the strength of horses,
no pleasure in the runner’s stride.
Rather the LORD takes pleasure in those who fear him,
those who put their hope in his mercy. (Psalm 147:10-11; USCCB)”
Having confidence, then, in Your mercy, I will ask for this grace–to know my sinfulness and fear Your judgement. I ask this not for myself, but for Your glory. I ask this so my prayers may be perfected and purged from all forms of self-love. I ask this so I may become bold like the saints in living out Your commands and proclaim Your Word in speech and action. I ask this so I can fulfill the purpose for which You created me and so that Christ’s sacrifice for me will not be in vain.
St. Teresa of Avila, pray for me. St. Catherine of Sienna, pray for me.
LPC Meditations 