I want to live like a saint. I want to live for Christ alone and not seek the pleasures of this life–as innocent as they may be–but rather see them as means to get to Christ. I read how the saints prefer to die a thousand deaths and relive thousands of sufferings or even an eternity of purgatory rather than offend God once or stand in His presence with one sin on their soul–not even one blemish.
I find myself shuddering at these thoughts. I can barely picture myself enduring ONE death, much less a thousand painful ones. This fear of suffering signals to me that I am nowhere near the level of sanctity I long to have. I am too attached to the comforts and pleasures of this world, so I am pained at the mere THOUGHT of losing them. This means I must do something to change the way I view the joys of this world and put them in their proper place. I will begin to meditate on death more vividly than before, and I will use St. Alphonsus Liguori’s Preparation for Death to do so, at least as a starting point.
When I begin to desire a cup of warm coffee, I will picture my cold body, pale and spotted blue. What good would that warmth do then?
When I begin to excite at the thought of a nice restaurant meal, I will picture my lifeless tongue and open mouth in my coffin. What good would the flavors and texture of that dish do then?
When I begin to worry about my appearance to others or how my personality or thoughts might displease them or repel them from me, I will picture how they, too, will be laid stiff in a coffin. What good would their opinion of me be then?
I am put off by thinking such things and it feels grim to always be bringing death to mind but it must be done. As St. Alphonsus Liguori says, we are rushing to death–every breath brings us closer to that final day. How can I possibly let myself forget this? I may not be able to have a skull with me to always look at, as the Benedictines do, but I can hold the thought in my mind. I can use my approaching death as a reminder to keep my desires in check, to keep my priorities straight, and to continue working out my salvation in fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12).
Ultimately, my goal is to become holy. I do not want to be depressed thinking about dead bodies all the time. Our Lord Jesus wept at the death of His friend Lazarus and He Himself destroyed death by His resurrection. I want to desire God above all things, for His own sake, but to do this, I need to first overcome the illusions I have–the false idea I will live forever. I need to shatter the image as the “main character” that will never be killed off and make myself realize that I am like everyone else and will one day be on my own death bed. It is sobering, but it is necessary. My day of judgement is coming, but I will not feel that as real unless I first understand that I will die. So, I pray with David:
“Lord, let me know my end, and what is the measure of my days; let me know how fleeting my life is!” (Psalm 39:4)
LPC Meditations 