131 I sigh with open mouth,
yearning for your commandments.
My heart aches with frustration at my inability to properly meditate on God’s word or will. It feels that my mind is blocked and I can’t make sense of any of the thoughts in my mind. All I have is a burning desire to know what God wants me to do and how I should behave today. I am afraid of starting my day because I don’t want to face the same temptations and repeat the same mistakes I have before.
How can I be entrusted with the education of my own children if I seem to be so ignorant and incapable? All I can think of is how many times before I have resolved to live a simple, prayerful day, where I am detached from material goods and show nothing but patience and tenderness towards my family. Yet I feel like all I find within myself is vexation, gluttony, bitterness, and distraction.
How can I approach the Lord with so much insult and ingratitude?
143 Though distress and anguish come upon me,
your commandments are my delight.
144 Your testimonies are forever righteous;
give me understanding that I may live.
145 I call with all my heart, O LORD;
answer me that I may keep your statutes.
146 I call to you to save me
that I may observe your testimonies.
I must comfort my soul with the hope that God gives. I must have confidence in God’s mercy. I must not allow my sorrow and tears at my own failures to carry me so far that I despair, as Judas did. Peter cried bitter tears at his betrayal of Christ, yet also cried out that he loved Christ more than any of the other apostles (John 21:15-17).
God knows I desire to do His will. He knows I desire to live out every second of my day faithfully. He knows my ignorance and weakness. It’s often me that forgets this and begins to rely on my own judgement. This sorrow at my inability to reason or fulfill my resolutions is my reminder of this fact. I was always this incapable but God had carried me through my weakness, and I gave credit to myself instead. I didn’t stop to thank Him for the graces He gave me but rather puffed myself up with the illusion that it was my intelligence, my virtues, and my work all along. I wanted the praise when it didn’t belong to me.
75 I know, LORD, that your judgments are righteous;
though you afflict me, you are faithful.
76 May your mercy comfort me
in accord with your promise to your servant.
77 Show me compassion that I may live,
for your law is my delight.
I accept, Lord, my pain and ask that you take pity on me so that I can live and not fall into sin. I accept the humiliation and recognize it as your merciful work, so that I may give praise to You, who is entitled to it. I ask that although I feel completely incapable at the moment, that You do not abandon me but rather remain with me today. As I begin taking on my duties, I ask that you continue to work through me so I can complete all my tasks in their proper time, without losing my peace or my faith in You. Though I feel like I can’t form even one coherent thought or envision myself completing one resolution, I will move forward with faith and a will to abandon myself to You and Your help. I trust you will not leave me to my own devices. Be my guide and my comfort.
Glory be to You forever. Amen.
LPC Meditations 